Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
