I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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