u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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