hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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