I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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