i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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