i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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