Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
