I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
