I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
