guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
