I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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