its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
