im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
