Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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