just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize