Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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