I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
