Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
