i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
