Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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