I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
