Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
