was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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