im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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