I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize