It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
FUCK WHALES
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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