Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
