I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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