my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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