So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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