I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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