I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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