He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
