im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
