tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
