currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
