apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
