I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize