Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
