Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
