Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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