I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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