she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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