Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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