You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
