i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
