Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
