best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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