Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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