The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
