EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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