I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
