You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
