It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize