i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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