Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We are two peas in an std pod
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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