Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize