It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
