Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
