I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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