What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
