I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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