I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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